Release the beast

From another side it looked like a throne. A very big one, for a big queen or king. Or maybe a throne for two persons, the queen and the king.
From another side it looked like a rock where a waterfall flows from. Into a little lake. It felt a bit of a secret place, not easily accessible. The water comes towards you.
From another side it looked as a space to not just enter. It is from someone. Maybe sacred.

Castle. Wall. Towers. Sea. Not easy accessible. An empty throne. Secret place with water. Sacred.
Something is not easy accessible, it hides behind the wall, the walls. Water is present.

When we were invited to open our eyes and to continue working, anger rised through me. I thought of a dragon when I started to work again. The sculpture turned into the head of a bison.
It felt that the bison had destroyed the castle, the secret place, the sacred. That it could not allow it to be. The one who breaks all apart.

Did the bison mash all, because he did not get space himself to be? And could not let others be?
I wrote:

The one who breaks all beauty apart

When we were invited to write a shadow letter later in the module, this destructive and aggresive letter was what came:

HELLO........YOU

YES. JUST YOU.
EVEN IF YOU, PATHETIC CREATURE, HAVE A NAME, SPITTING IT OUT WOULD BE TOO MUCH

DO YOU DESERVE TO HAVE A NAME?
DO YOU DESERVE TO STAND IN FRONT OF ME?
DO YOU DESERVE TO LOOK AT ME?
DO YOU?
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO RUN AS FAST AS I CAN
YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO MASTER THE FORCE THAT I HAVE
THE STRENGTH AND POWER THAT I OWN.

WHEREVER YOU WANT TO GO, I WILL BLOCK THE WAY
WHEREVER YOU WANT TO LOOK AT, I WILL BLOCK THE VIEW

BIST DU VERRÜCKT?
TO WISH WHAT YOU WISH FOR?

LOVE?
TENDERNESS?
WARMTH?
CONTACT?
I MASH IT
I MASH THEM
I MASH YOU

ALL YOU WANT TO LET OUT, I WILL MASH
ALL YOU WANT TO LET IN, I WILL MASH

YOU BELONG DEEP IN THE GROUND WHERE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU DEEP. WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE YOU
THERE IS NO PLACE FOR YOU HERE IN THIS WORLD. YOU DON'T DESERVE IT.

DIE QUICKLY. LET THE SAND ENTER YOUR MOUTH. DON'T TRY TO COUGH, THERE IS NO SPACE AROUND. LET THE SAND ENTER YOUR THROAT. YOUR LUNGS, FULL OF SAND. YOU ARE BREATHING SAND. THE THROAT AND LUNGS REBEL? FOR NOTHING. THERE IS NOTHING. NOTHING TO SOLVE. NOTHING TO SAVE. YOU ARE NOT WORTH TO LIVE. DIE QUICKLY. DO US ALL A FAVOUR. DIE QUICKLY. YOUR HEART PANICS? AHH HOW SWEET. FAST BEATS. BUT HEY. THERE IS A BIGGER BEAT. MY BEAT. MY HOOVES ABOVE YOU. ON THE EARTH. I FEEL THE WIND. I HEAR THE HOWL OF A WOLF, THE CRY OF AN EAGLE. I FEEL. I FEEL ALL. I FEEL LIFE. I AM ALIVE. DANCING ON YOUR GRAVE.

What had turned so extremely sauer inside my shadowbag? What unlived turned so aggressively against me?

It reminds me of the myth of the Cretan Bull. In this myth a beautiful and peaceful white bull is turned by Poseidon into a rampaging beast, feared by the people. Poseidon himself is extremely angry at the king of Crete, who had handled disrespectful towards him. It seems like to me, that Poseidon gives all his anger to the bull, who's gentle side disappeares. (For the full myth, please see the button at the end of this page). 

At the same time, this Bull wants to put me deep inside the earth, surrounded by the feminine. The one that is so much needed to balance my inner world. Is the Bull actually giving me the answer of what it needed, what I needed? But do I only read it as agression?

The tone around the bison was changing.

There are valleys for us to run together.
To run with all our wildness.
All our strength and power.
We roar.
Steam out of our nostrils
Our flanks sweaty.
Space. Want to race?

What does the bull wants to show me? What is his reason the take me on his/a journey? What does he want me to experience? What does his world look like? Does he wants to show me the gold, his gold, his qualities? Where do we have to go for him to show them to me? They are in the dark, in the shadow. How is the road to that place?

Out of the questions, came the following text:

We are in the dark. We are in a tiny space together. Just the two of us.
I can hear him snor. Force wise, physical, he could crunch me, kill me with one single move. I am silent, I look him in his fire red eyes. For hours.
I have to let him know I do not want to put him in a cage anymore. I'd put him there. And now I looked for him to ask to join me in life.
'But to join you in life, I have to show you who I really am', he sais, 'the part of me that you have forgotten. For that I have to take you on a journey into a cave that is even deeper than this one. Follow me.'
A wall glides down and becomes an entrance. I cannot see anything, it is dark. I follow him, I follow the sound of his hooves. The stone walls are close by, I feel them with my fingers. They are rough, sharp even. It is cold and I hear drops falling. Wett and cold. I hear him, his breath and hooves. It is just the two of us. A corridor of rough walls, who knows where the end is. We walk and walk in silence. In the total dark. No curves, just straight. I lost my sense of time, we must be walking for hours. Suddenly I see a bluish glow. We enter a different space., leaving the small 'corridor' behind. It is a high cave with a blue lake. The water is glowing blue, magical blue. Sparkling blue. We stand next to eachother, looking at the water. So this is him. This is the part of him that I had forgotten, pushed away. I feel a lot in my stomach, it feels as if my stomach feels threatened by the blue water. As my belly feels calm, attracted to be in touch with the water.
What will happen when I touch it? What will I feel? Am I allowed to touch it?
I look at the bull and turn towards him. I bow, approach slowly with my hands his forehead. He snoors. I come closer with my hands and touch his head. After a while I come up and lay my forehead to his. Our heads rest to each other. In silence we say all things that are unsaid. Then we turn to the water. We look. The different shades of blue, glowing water. It is alive. There is so much life in this water. I feel the urge to touch it. There is a hesitation. Am I worth it? To touch this magical, golden water. Will I poison it? I look at the bull and he makes a pushing movement with his snout. Slowly my hands move towards the water. I stop, take a breath and tip my fingers in. An immediate joy tinkles through my hand up to my arms. From my arms in my chest up to my head, down into my belly, into my yoni and my legs. I lean over and see a reflection in the water. I jump up. Breathing fast and unfamiliar loud. I turn around and hear another unfamiliar sound. I look down and see...hooves? I look at the bull, but he is gone. I bellow, a tremendously loud sound. I run up the walls around the lake. 'This can't be true', I think, 'let this not be true. I am a bull!' I stop. I pant, loud as never before. I turn to the water, which turned normal blue, it does not glow anymore. I take small steps to the shore. I look at my reflection, I look into my eyes, at my horns, my strong body. And I think: 'Let this be true'. I shake my head. I stamp with my hooves, I roar deeply and know I am true. I am strong. I can create everything that I want. I take a deep breath. My flanks expand. I feel the power of my muscles. I am ready to return.

I would like to take some elements from the story and look at them symbolically:

The bison and 'I' stand in a small cave and walk, after a wall glides down, into a small corridor. The cave I see as a womb, the space of a woman where creation takes place. The womb has become tiny. The small corridor I see as the birth canal where a baby travels through in childbirth. The space after the corridor is a new space, a high cave with a blue magical lake. The lake is a symbol for the unconscious. Another aspect of lake symbolism is the association with death and the underworld: the descent of the soul into the waters of death.

The waters of death. Does something has to die, so that the new can come back to the surface?

The bison has a different quality. He is at ease, there is no aggression. The bison and 'I' work together, are a team. And at the end of the story become one.

From this writing, I created for the sharing at the end of module two, an installation of a life size bull, made of flower sticks, standing near a lake. During the presentation I was sitting and drumming there for several hours on a shamanic drum. I was naked.

Transparency is intentionally baring your soul to the world by showing your true self to others. Most people hide their essence in fear of rejection, lack of self-confidence, broken-hearted, or lack of fulfillment in life; there are many reasons a person will hold back who they are. When a person hides behind this veil, they are robbing themselves of a happy and contented life.

By being transparent how can a person bring about a better life? Through transparency, people are allowing themselves to feel their emotions without trying to understand or "fix" them. This is a way to give yourself permission to feel and experience your feelings rather than reflect on them. The creation from this process is a power that comes from within. It is a peace and freedom of one's self.

Tara Raj, Life & Business Coach

Does the bison of flowersticks represents a combination of inner power and the power of transparency?

Within the world of spirit animals the bison represents abundance. Was the bison reminding me of my own abundance, of living an abundant life? Was the bison a bringer of the message to shift focus to all that is there and all I can do? To let go of a mindset of scarcity, a mindset of limitations that are in the way of my personal growth? A mindset of scarcity does not allow a person to open up to their full potential.

Inner and outer power. Transparancy. Stepping in and living my potential.

When I started to research the image of the bison, I found the White Buffalo Woman myth, a legend from Native American culture (For the full myth, please see the button at the end of this page).
In the myth there is a devine encounter with the sacred feminine in the form of the White Buffalo Woman.
She is a so-called culture bringer or primary cultural prophet, a supernatural woman who taught the Lakota people their "Seven Sacred Rituals." Their beliefs say that she gave them their most powerful tools to communicate with deities and improve their lives. She is traditionally known as an individual who brings messages from the ancestors, but she has also been regarded as a healer who comes to help during critical situations. White Buffalo Calf Woman brings inspiration, strength, and the power of creation. She is a bridge between two worlds. And brought a new mindset for an harmonious life.
The myth learns us to see the world as a deeply interconnected place.
The white buffalo is an American bison and is considered a sacred animal in Native American beliefs. Many tribes in North America associate the symbol of a white buffalo with world harmony and rebirth and see the birth of a white buffalo calf as the most significant of prophetic signs.

Rebirth, a new mindset for an harmonious life, a culture bringer: is that the potential?
And will bring forth a woman that brings inspiration, strength and the power of creation?

My potential stepped forward in the ritual: my singing voice.
But another voice was able to silence it.
The potential of the bison was there, not yet embodied.