'Forever Restless'
The dark secret of the house
On the first day of Module one, I wrote a story about a house with a dark secret:
Forever restless: The dark secret of the house
When you go to the house, the spaces of the house, you will be drawn to a particular space. You follow that.
Once in the space you feel relieved, it is how you feel and what you think you need.
After a little while you feel different than the space. Changed. And you will leave, go outside and pick a new space. Where you feel understood again, as if shared with a friend.
Also here, after a calm feeling, the feeling of being accepted, you feel you need to go.
You choose again. The story repeats itself over and over again. You are trapped in a web. Cannot choose yourself. Cannot leave. The houses lead you into craziness. And then into numbness.
Just following. Not choosing.
Not feeling.
Surrendering to the power of the group of houses.
You are trapped.
In a maze. Where it looks like from the outside that you follow your own feelings or intuition, but you're not. The spaces of the house have got your life and you will not take care anymore of yourself. As if addicted, going from state to state.
Forever restless.
You don't feel like you can trust yourself, cause everytime you enter a place you feel you want to be somewhere else. No trust in oneself anymore.
The spaces provide things you seem to need. They appear when lost in feelings. Doubting if they are yours of is it the houses who give it to you?
They began to have human qualities. It seems if they talk to you. Ask your questions. Make you feel more things.
More restlessness.
You stop eating, drinking. Running from room to room. Looking for rest.
You die from exhaustion.
This house with its particular characteristics: Mask. Trapped. A maze. Choice. Following the will of something else.
Numbness. Surrendering. Forever restless. Losing of trust in oneself. Causes exhaustion.
It feels like an addiction.
Willem Glaudemans writes in his book 'Entrances in a Course in Miracles' about some characteristics from the ego, which seems to go hand in hand with the characteristics of the house:
One is: 'A deceiver and disguise: The ego is always able to give a beautiful appearance to something terrible, to offer a miserable painting in a beautiful frame. Then you look at the packaging and not at the content, which is always the same with the ego: worthless.'
A second one: 'a paradox in pure form that leads to spinning around in vicious circles'
A third one: 'An ever-hungry caterpillar: even though its belly is completely full, the caterpillar continues to eat, insatiable. The ego always wants more, more money, more fame, more of what doesn't even matter, as long as it is more, if necessary more pain or misery, that makes it special.
Is the story of the haunted house a story about living a life haunted by ego?
These are some drawings from this period:
When I see these drawings I see life that wants to live, but can't. It is trapped, taken, harmed, pushed, threatened, surpressed.
Where is the persecutor? And who or what is it?
Is the heroine trapped, taken, harmed, pushed, threatened, supressed by voices inside and cannot live freely?
Is she starting to become aware of them and their power over her and her life?
Is she awakening to the voices of her shadow?